CompassioNOT

As I embark on a new professional journey, I have been realizing that I need to reclaim that compassion that I used to have, before I got burned out. So, it's definitely been more in the forefront of my mind. Thinking about ways to reclaim it, unburry it, or whatever needs to be done to find it again.

Yesterday, Kaleb asked to go to the park when I picked him up from daycare, so instead of walking there, I drove him there, with my box of belongings (from work, last days) and my purse sitting right there in the front seat... and we went straight to the park, rather than stopping at home first. There were a few other kids with their parents there, and one gentleman was nice and polite, as our children played in close proximity. I was thinking to myself, how lovely that this person can be polite and friendly, rather than what you would expect by the outward appearance.

At one point, he asks me if Kaleb is my grandson. WHAT?! am I Seriously THAT old looking? SERIously? like SERIOUSLY?!?!?!? I known I'm not a young spring chicken anymore, but to assume Kaleb is my grandson because I am not 20???? I'm not exactly thinking as many positive thoughts any longer..

And then, simultaneously, two other things happened. The dude who thought Kaleb was my grandson (he was just a tad older than me... like at least 10 years!) went over to this other scary looking dude who drove up and parked next to my car. He was scary enough looking, and smoking, that I was worried about my belongings sitting in plain view in the front seat of my car. So I kept my eyes on them, watching Kaleb play, but nervously watching my car door to make sure there weren't attempts to steal. So what did I behold? DRUG DEAL RIGHT THERE in the playground, kids all around, and this dude totally paid for drugs right there. I only caught it because I was nervously watching my car.

At the same time, 4 unruly, violent, loud, dangerous children show up at the playground without any apparent adult/supervisor with them. They were flinging long ropes, swinging big sticks, screaming, terrorizing the area, oblivious to anyone around them, and that they even caught ME with their swinging, and almost whacked my eye several times, and there is Kaleb, right in the middle of them. My terror increased, as I did NOT want my child hurt, smashed, injured, pushed off the high slide, etc. because they were so oblivious. I tried to get Kaleb to play on opposite things than they were, to try and keep him safe, but no matter where Kaleb went, they were right there, stepping on him, or on each other, swinging those sticks or ropes, screaming and flinging all the while. And Kaleb didn't want to go home.

I could no longer find my inner desire to find compassion within me. I wanted those kids to go away! Or at least have someone come discipline them and keep them in line. No matter what I said, I just got dirty looks, or major swearing and cussing from them in return, and all I was doing was trying to keep Kaleb from getting injured by THEIR behaviors. I found myself looking at the oldest girl in an evil eye type of look... very disapprovingly. The look and behavior I got in return made me think this: She probably gets these kinds of looks and feelings from lots of people in her life, maybe even her home setting... whatever that may be, and there is nothing in her life to teach her proper, nice, good behavior. So, even though I may understand this, I HATED that she was being as she was, and I had to try and keep Kaleb safe at our neighborhood playground. I hated that whatever parental figures she has or doesn't have are not helping teach her/guide her in life, and I hated that Kaleb is going to be exposed to plenty more of this just by going to school and existing. Makes for a tougher job as a parent for me too, to try and teach Kaleb to have compassion for people, while protecting himself, and NOT behaving like them.

SO, here on my quest to dig out my compassion, I found a lot of hating going on. Thanks a lot playground! Maybe my plan of action should be re-thought...